In Thanksgiving...

After the disaster of the last few weeks, I decided to posted about all the things I am thankful for. Most of these I take for granted daily but recently have had cause to think about them more closely.

My husband - I have many friends who are divorced or in unhappy marriages. I am extremely lucky to be married to the love of my life. We finish each other's sentences and are very compatible. After 11 years, he still makes me laugh and I would rather spend my time with him than anyone else.

My daughter - I have posted before on the difficulty in getting pregnant and subsequent adoption. While I may have missed out on the "traditional" way to build a family, I have never once regretted adopting. Grace is my love, my world, my heart. She is smart, funny and challenging. It still amazes me that God made my perfect family 15,000 miles away.

My sister - My sister and I were never very close growing up. We are polar opposites. She is 7 years older than I am. We have growth closer over the last several years and I am eternally grateful for her friendship, advice, support and her ability to make me laugh, hysterically.

My faith - I am extremely grateful to have a God who forgives my sins, loves me unconditionally and helps to make me a better person. I love being Catholic. I love all the aspects of it. Our church is wonderful, full of way to increase my faith. I would be lost without it.

My friends - I have an interestingly diverse group of friends. Some with deep Catholic faith, like mine, mostly from Church or from Grace's school, some from the neighborhood, and some from, well, forever. Each fills a place in my life that needs to be filled. They make me a better person.

Chocolate - 'nuf said.

Being a SAHM - In this economy, I am very lucky to be able to stay home for my family. While I lack many of the qualities of being a good "housewife", particularly a lack of affection for cleaning, I don't miss working and all the headaches that come with it.

Living in the USA - Despite my deep distain for our current President, I still believe in the freedom of speech, freedom of religion and the fact that the people still have a voice in this country. So many people in this world don't have those rights, so we should cherish them.

I wish everyone a very Happy Thanksgiving. Pray for our Armed Forces, and for each other. We all need it.

Perspective...

The last few weeks have been tough for us. My father in law, who suffers from Alzheimers, is slipping away. We think he might have had another mini-stroke, or perhaps this horrible disease is just accelerating. Previously, the conversations were sometimes silly or full of non-sequiters but he was there. He usually knew me and sometimes even called me by name. He lit up when Grace came to visit. She adores him. But the last few visits have been different. He sleeps a lot or is totally disengaged. My husband saw him today and he couldn't even feed himself. He "reads" the paper upside down and cannot answer questions. So tragic to see someone's entire life wiped away. I remember feeling outraged when my own father died that people dared to go back to their lives when someone so important had left me. It is so similar now except that person is sitting right in front of me, and can't even remember their own life. Their triumphs and tragedies, their great loves, sad times, the birth of their children and grandchildren. I can't think of anything more cruel. It is right there in front of you, so close you could touch it but just a distant unreachable memory.

My husband and mother in law are dealing well. My mother in law is very practical and I think feels the need to keep everything together and moving forward. She has a strong support system at her church and community. Gene and I try to do as much as we can but it inevitably falls short, especially on my end. Both her daughters are overseas at the moment. I'm sure it is
so difficult being so far away right now. Both are coming home soon and will likely be shocked at his deterioration over the last 3 months. Gene is trying to be the good son and succeeding, I think. He has a tremendous sense of loyalty. He is running himself ragged trying to do all the things he thinks he needs to. We are all exhausted.

Things with my husbands family have not always been the best for us over the years. But when I look back now, some of those things seem silly. I wish they hadn't happened. Time wasted can never be regained. My father in law will never see Grace grow up, won't remember his children or their families. Compared to that many things seem trivial.

In keeping with the stressful theme of the past couple of weeks, my beloved dog has cancer. He had a tumor removed from the top of his head a couple of days ago. The scar is awful, 4 inches long and greatly resembles something Dr. Frankenstein would do. Poor baby started to bother it and broke it open. So, back to the vet for the "cone of shame". He looks miserable. Probably feels miserable too. We have to wait another week for the biopsy results. So much loss, is it all really necessary?

I am praying for my friend, Suzanne, who is undergoing surgery tomorrow for a malignant growth on her spine. All looks good for a successful outcome. And a dear friend of the family is fighting off complications from heart surgery and collapsed lung. He is better but it is touch and go.

All these things are weighing on me. My temper has been short. A two by four hit me over the head tonight as I realized who the real victim was in all this stress and worry. Grace. She is not getting what she needs, attention, patience, love from me. I have been acting as though she is just one more thing I need to do, another task. I have too much on my plate and something has to give but it can't be her. Starting tomorrow, from the time she gets home from school until bedtime, no computer, no gift shop, only focus on her. She has been horrible to deal with. She is very sensitive. She senses stuff is going on because I am stressed, Daddy is stressed and she is getting attention any way she can.

It has to change. Right now, she is a gift I don't deserve but I will change that.