Groundhog Day

Have you ever felt like you were living the same day over and over again? I do, nearly every day. Only I am powerless to change the outcome. The last therapist told me that she was surprised because she didn't think Grace retained information. Not academic information, but information on behavior, attitudes, expectations, stuff like that. She hears you, she understands you, she even exhibits remorse, always with a promise to change. But the next day, its like it never happened. You start at the beginning....every day.

If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result, then I am certifiable. Every day I say the same words, feel the same hurt as she talks to me as if I am dirt. I have tried different tactics. She hasn't had Wii in over 2 weeks. No problem. Hasn't even asked about it. Just lost her bike, no problem. She gives me a hard time about EVERYTHING. Everything has a comment or complaint attached. I am so exhausted by it all.

I have a friend who has two children. She LOVES spending time with them. They listen and respect her. Yes, of course, there are issues, but nothing like I have. What is wrong with me? Maybe I am just the wrong mother for her. It gets to the point where I dread spending time with her. Now, what mother feels that way? It is terrible to feel that way aobut your own child.

Surprisingly, the homeschool part isn't that bad. Some difficulties but I manage it. It is all the time after that, all the time together, all the talking, all the attitude. I feel like I'm angry all the time. This is NOT the life I wanted.

Now what???

When is tired, too tired?

I am tired. So tired, my body hurts. Mentally, emotionally tired. The kind of tired that comes with fighting a battle you know you can't win.

Today, was not a good day. Homeschooling is going reasonably well, but not this week. My daughter is argumentative, difficult and bossy. I have said many times before that I love her more than life itself. However, homeschooling this particular brand of child can suck the life right out of you. It is just her and I. No other children to buffer or distract, either me or her. At times, like today, my heart hurts because I wish that we had more children. I would like to think I have mostly moved on but there are days, just like today, that I haven't. I don't have the patience or desire to go on like this. The thought of putting her in public school makes me want to throw up. I think it would be a disaster and my husband and I are strongly committed to a Catholic education. This is the right decision but am I the right person? So we are at a roadblock that seems to point only to me. I need to change something, something about me, so I can cope with this without losing my mind.

Homechooling only one child can be extremely isolating. And when one has a challenging child, it seems even more so. There is an awesome homeschool group at church but we joined too late for most of the activities. Most of the families have many children so they are not so desperate for company for their children. I am fearful of revealing too much about my daughter. That they will see my constant struggle and weaknes. My fear is that I just cannot spend this much time with my child. I want to. I want to enjoy homeschooling her. I want to enjoy being with her, seeing her learn, but the constant struggle for control in our relationship is simply exhausting.

But what to change? And how? Those seem to be the daunting questions at the moment.

Manners

How does one go about teaching their children manners? Of course, leading by example is always a good place to start. But how do you teach a child what is socially acceptable? My daughter is very sensitive. However, only my husband and I know that. Today, while at a friend's house, she broke a child's tea set that had been given to the mother when she was a child. It was obviously irreplaceable. My friend, who is always gracious, was quite kind about it but I saw that she was upset. Grace was full of excuses..."I didn't know", "It wasn't my fault". I was mortified. I asked Grace to apologize. I could see she was mortified but her classic response is one of defiance and indifference. What to do?

I am continually at a loss on how to handle my child's public, defiant, "the rules don't apply to me" behavior. As an only child, she considers herself an adult which causes no end of arguments and subsequent consequences. I so want her to just be a child. Pay no attention to what Daddy and I are talking about. Have no care for the affairs of the adult world. But that is not who my daughter is. She inserts herself where she does not belong, comments on things that are none of her business and is generally in everyone's business but her own. What to do?

So, how do I instill in her the love and compassion needed to be a valued member of society while still enabling her to be a child? I know she is sensitive. It comes out in other ways. The inablility to sleep well at night, the constant questioning about an incident or the utter refusal to talk about it as if the very thought of it would destroy her. But how do I teach her graciousness and respect?

Right now, I have no idea. There are so many things about this child I don't understand. God has presented me with the challenge of a lifetime. I fear I am failing at every turn.

My Little Talker...

I have a talker. She is no ordinary talker, she is an incessant, marathon talker. But it's not just to herself, it is a running commentary on my life. I just spent over an hour at Wegmans, shopping. Not feeling great, low blood sugar. So, I am having enough trouble remembering the list items on my list, which I forgot, but I cannot hear myself think due to the constant talking.

I really have not had a whole thought in over 6 years. I am constantly interrupted. Reading, on the phone, having a conversation with anyone. I ask nicely, I threaten, I ignore, then I erupt. Today resulted in loss of outside playtime on the first nice day since November. I have no quiet in my life. I only have ONE child. Not a houseful, just ONE! She cannot be disconnected for one minute. Everything that comes into her head, comes out of her mouth. Everything. Usually, when I am talking to someone, it is something rude. She has NO filter. We now have incentives in place for politeness.

Don't get me wrong. I have a smart, VERY smart little girl. She is engaging and funny and has no idea when enough is enough. Makes it a challenge when homeschooling. I have to ask her "Can I please be the teacher?"

At the end of the day, it is simply exhausting. Now I truly know why God didn't give us more children. I just don't have the stamina!

Homeschooling....really??

About a month ago, we pulled my daughter out of private school. First grade was a disaster. This very small, privately run, Catholic school reduced my daughter to an anxious, angry mess...all in first grade. She and the teacher were oil and water. And she was getting bullied, which is surprising knowing my tough-minded little girl. The end result was a school that had neither the desire nor the ability to handle a child who was outside the box.

The final straw was hearing the teacher scream, and I mean SCREAM at a child in the hallway and knowing in my heart that it was Grace. To see someone mistreat your child brings up such anger and emotion. By the middle of the next week we had a plan, and pulled her out. The next week I watched her "come down" from the experience. It was almost like Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I am so angry to think that someone damaged my little girl like that. I am also angry at myself for not seeing it sooner.

So, we decided to homeschool. Yikes! I never, EVER, thought I would do it. I always said NO WAY. I waited so long to have some sense of freedom and to be able to get myself back on track. This is proof that God has a sense of humor. The thought of putting her back into a classroom setting was unacceptable. A new class with a new teacher, new kids, new rules etc would be too hard for her. Public school wasn't an option for two reasons. We feel strongly that her education be rooted in our Catholic faith. And we didn't feel that a crowded classroom where she would be considered "special needs" would benefit her.

So, we are about a month into homeschooling. She loves it, me, not so much. I am having trouble managing my time, not being distracted and balancing all the other things. Most of my other responsibilities have fallen by the wayside, even those I enjoy. I need to find a way to balance my life.

Stay tuned, this will get interesting.

A new year...

Happy 2010. With new years come resolutions, promises not to make the same mistakes again, promises to "be different this time". I've always hated new years. They make me feel inadequate. I have never managed to keep resolutions to lose weight, be more organized, patient, etc, etc. Why should this year be any different?

I faced one serious demon this past weekend. I finally got up the courage to go through all the baby stuff we had been keeping in hopes of adopting again. All the little toys, puzzles, baby books, the highchair, the little clothes. It was awful. That time with Grace was so fleeting, so overwhelming that I barely remember it. I had so hoped to be able to do it better, to be a better Mom, to remember more of their childhood. We spent the whole day sorting it, some for yard sale, some for donation, bins full of books, some I remember so clearly buying. I saved the toys and clothes we bought in Ukraine for Grace. Each one has a beautiful memory. It stuck me so hard that there would be no more memories like that. Yes, there would be others but my chance to be a mother again was gone forever.

I look at other families in church. Those little babies with that baby smell and those curious eyes taking in everything around them. I feel so old. It was so fleeting. And staring down the barrel of my 46th birthday does not help. It is all so final.

How I wish we could have gone back to Ukraine. I wish I knew then what I know now. That we needed to get back in the race right away for another child or we would be stuck in a world of constantly changing rules. I spent too much time in "I wish" and not enough time enjoying the reality I have.

But this is getting old for me too. I need to change it. But how?