Angels in our midst...

I have been thinking a lot lately about blessings and angels.  In the midst of our chaotic lives, it is difficult to stop and notice the things, no, the people that are blessings in our lives.  One of Grace's biggest difficulties is dealing with peers, especially new kids.  I guess being an only child she is very comfortable around adults, well, let's face it, she thinks of herself as one. 

Anyhow, I am so very lucky to have a group of adults who "get" her.  These people are my Angels.  They love her, for exactly who she is, fear, anxiety, behavior issues and all.  They see the things I can't always see as I am mired in being "The Mom".  And these are not family members, I might add, although they are great with her too.  These are people who truly and sincerely LOVE my daughter.  They take her places, want to spend time with her, send her postcards, bring her little gifts, call her, ask her over for sleepovers or playdates with their kids, all because they love her, a child they are not even related to.  That is beyond priceless to me. Angels all.

The Angels that helped with our recent adoption fundraiser.  A car wash is hell-like temperatures.  (What was I thinking??)  The friend that brought her 4 kids to help wash cars for 2 hours; the neighbors who stayed until the bitter end in the 102 degree heat to help my husband; dear friends who drove from Maryland or Fredricksburg; and all the friends who just CAME.  So wonderful.  I felt very loved that day.  Many of these people have known our heartache in the struggle to adopt.  And they are HAPPY for us.  Such a wonderful feeling.  I am so grateful.

So, as I look beyond my little world to my slightly larger world and see countless people lining up to help our local vet going through a truly horrific time.  People expressing their support, making meals, sending notes of encouragement, showing up at the local courthouse during her hearing just to show her they care.  Those people are Angels.  People willing to go out of their way for another human being, regardless of the jeers and ridicule of others - and there is plenty of that.  Going the extra mile, providing that one smile or word of encouragement.

Angels are real.  They are each one of us.  It is too easy to get caught up getting angry at the guy who took your parking space or a rude sales clerk.  But each of these people have issues of their own, struggles, heartaches, troubles.  Maybe they need an Angel, an extra smile, a kind word.  I know I sound like a sap.  But I am SO tired of the negative, horrible things I see going on in the world.  I have Angels.  Can we all be Angels?  Can you?

Judgement Day...

You may have noticed some changes to the blog.  I can no longer accept donations through Google Checkout.  If you made a donation, it cannot be processed, I'm so sorry.  I am searching for an alternate way to donate online.  So stay tuned.

We have had yet another tragedy in our community.  I won't go into details but it is likely that charges will be pressed.  It is a very, very sad and unfortunate story involving people I know personally.

What is absolutely compelling to me is the constant "holier than thou", "it could never happen to me", "I would NEVER do that" mentality in our culture.  People are awfully brave behind their faceless keyboards.  Condemning, judging, when in reality, we are all just HUMAN.  Bad things happen.  Tragic accidents occur.  We all have overscheduled, busy, "keeping up with the Joneses" lifestyles.  I have had it with the "I'm not judging but THAT could NEVER happen to me!  BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!"  But wouldn't they be the first to want people to give them the benefit of the doubt should they make a huge, life-altering mistake?  Yes, of course.  What have we become?  A judgmental society of "not mes!"

So stop and think how many judgements on others you make in a day.  I know I make many.  Someone who shouldn't be wearing something, a "stupid" criminal, the misbehavior of a stranger's child in a store.  Every day we all make judgments on people.  I, for one, am very guilty.  "Oh, she has no idea how bad she looks in that", "I can't believe that they wore THAT to church!"  Who are we to judge?  Do we want our children to judge?  To BE judgmental?  I hope not, but I fear that it creeps in without us even realizing it!

 Heaven forbid I ever be in the situation that my friend is in.  It must be excruciating.  But if people can stand in judgment of her, a pillar of the community, a wonderful person, and mother, if can happen to any of us.

I am going to make an effort, right now, to be MORE compassionate, give more people the benefit of the doubt, without compromising my morals, or giving in to the temptation to go along with the crowd. 

People need one another, that is how God made us.  We are interdependent.  It makes me so sad when society becomes ugly and loses the compassion we have been given.

Think about it.

Much Esteemed...

We have an anxious daughter, that is evident.  But what I recently learned is how much anxiety and poor self-esteem go hand in hand.  Grace has terrible self-esteem.  Lately, the topic of death and dying is coming up more and more (which terrifies me).  I must remind myself that what may seem ridiculous to me, is very real to her and she deserves honest answers, not a "What the heck are you talking about?" look.  Even when she asks me of she will die after eating an apple seed, or a small piece of paper towel, or accidentally getting suncreen in her mouth.  She even asked me if she would die if she ate one of those small flags you get on Fourth of July.  (Huh??)  Weird, yes, I know, but these are the things that run around in her head.  And inside all that is the fact that she doesn't like or trust herself. 

The following is a list of behaviors that children with low self-esteem exhibit.  It comes from "Raise Your Child's Social IQ" by Cathi Cohen.  Do you see any of these in your kids?

• Often blame others for their own actions
• Might speak too loudly or too softly
• Need to be liked by everyone
• See themselves as losers
• Are critical of others
• Have trouble making and keeping friends
• Have difficulty accepting compliments
• Have trouble accepting responsibility for their actions
• Get frustrated easily
• Make negative comments about themselves
• Tend to be quitters
• May brag
• Can be bullies

When I initially read this list, I cried.  Grace has every single one.  And worse, I saw myself at her age struggling with the same problems.  I STILL struggle with some of them!  We, as her parents, are trying to do the right thing.  She is a very difficult child, there is no doubt.  There are many isues facing us.  We hope that gaining a sibling(s) will give her a purpose, help her to feel good about herself, to have someone who looks up to her.  She deserves the kind of love only a sibling can give.

My parents were never good at praising us or helping us with our self-esteem.  My brother was the over-achiever, great student, good athelete, well-liked.  My sister was very shy and tended to be overlooked.  I was the class smart-ass.  Most of my mouth and sarcasm came from my desire to be liked but also the need to bury the fact that I didn't like myself very much.  I figured that if I could make people laugh, they would like me.

I guess what I am saying is really, really, take a look at the signals you are giving your children and they are giving you.  Everything you say and do they watch and turn into projections of themselves.  I am talking to myself as much as anyone who might be reading this.  Grace is a walking crisis.  PLEASE be aware and clued in to your children.  It is so very important, parents can make all the difference...for better or worse.

Life...so fragile

I had the privilege if watching my oldest nephew graduate from high school this past weekend.  I remember spending two weeks with my sister after Stephen was born in 1993 helping her care for this fussy, crying newborn, when he cried he turned purple and pulled on his ears.  Many said he looked like me as a baby.  Maybe then, but he is very handsome now.  He never slept (I can relate) and never nursed well. He was proud as a peacock being the ring bearer in my wedding.  The pics are SO cute!  After many years of homeschooling, he went off to high school.  He is intelligent, well-read, open-minded and compassionate.  What more can I ask for?  Grace adores him.  He spends time with her, the greatest gift you can give her.

But in the midst of the joy of commencement is sadness.  His best friend was fatally injured on Friday night while trying to scale the side of the school building.  They are all good kids.  They were excited about graduation, heading to college.  He just wanted to show off for his friends.  He fell three stories when he lost his footing, resulting in a severe brain injury.  After more than 24 hours of no brain activity, his family made the excruciating decision to take him off life support.  Three of his best friends, Stephen included, made their way into the hospital room to say their goodbyes.  All on the biggest day of their lives.  From all accounts, he was a good, no great, kid.  An inspiration to others, compassionate, loving and intelligent.  He won a full scholarship to Harvard.  There is no sense to be made from this tragedy.  An 18 year old taken too soon, before he reached his potential.

But somethng strikes me as I recall the words of the speech he was to give at commencement.  Perhaps his purpose for being on this earth was to inspire others to take what they have learned and go change the world for the good.  Live by his example.  We all have the seeds, now go plant them.

Great Book Recommendation!

I have been reading The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell.  It basically breaks down how your child perceives that they are loved.  Through Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Gifts or Works of Service.  Grace is definitely Words of Affirmation.

I highly recommend it!  A great insight into how our unconditional love for them is communicated.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/resources/books/the-five-love-languages-of-children/

Wiring...

Thanks to everyone who is so supportive of our efforts.  We have a long way to go before the dossier is translated and sent to Ukraine.  Killing LOTS of trees in the process.  :-)

I found today that I am not wired for technology.  A dear friend helped me get started on Facebook with a page about my blog and the adoption.  (You can visit my marvelous Madge at http://www.2preppygirls.blogspot.com/).  I will have a fabulous raffle coming up next week so stay tuned to the blog for more details.

So, my lack of of technie-ness got me thinking about wiring.  Gene and I have spent a lot of time thinking and talking about how Grace is wired.  The FAS (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome) changed the way the brain is wired.  We are fortunate that she is considered "mild to moderate".  She processes information differently and at times with difficulty.  Not so much on an academic level (which amazes me) but on an executive functioning level, decision making, behavior, social skills.  Her conclusions are rarely the same as ours, and her ways of getting there sure are too!  But, they are no less valid for her. 

For example, Grace has anxiety.  I am a bit of a worrier myself, but her level of anxiety is difficult for even me, her mother, to understand.  She has normal childhood fears but some fears no manner of talking, cuddling or explaining will change.  She is horribly afraid of tornadoes, stink bugs, lightning, someone taking her away or hurting me.  All these are normal (to some degree) fears in children.  Grace, ever the overachiever, throws in an obsessive component that doesn't allow her to let go of anything.  So, we answer the same questions over and over desperately trying NOT to increase our level of annoyance after answering the same question for the 18th time.  (No, I am not exaggerating.)

In making the decision to adopt again, we talked endlessly about the affect on Grace.  The conclusion was that it is the absolute best thing for her.  She needs somewhere to channel her energy and her love.  We move in a world full of big families.  Most of her friends have lots of siblings.  She needs somewhere else to focus other than her own fears and be able to see herself in another role.  We are hoping it will improve her self-esteem and improve the overall family dynamic.

So, onward I go, finishing paperwork, tracking down documents etc, etc.  Adoption isn't for the faint of heart!  (Well, at least the paperwork isn't!!!)

The beautiful faces...

The beautiful faces of Ukrainian children.  The orphanage we adopted Grace from was very large, the largest in the region.  It was very clean but in a run down kind of way.  There was an old, rusty playground and it was behind huge iron gates.  But within the joy of meeting our baby girl, there were the faces of the other children.  As we would walk and play with Grace, the older children, maybe 3 or 4 years old would stand at the edge of the play area and watch us.  They seemed transfixed by us.  Did they know or even understand that one of their own was getting a family?  It made me so sad.  I wanted to take them all.  They were the most beautiful children.  Many will spend their lives in an institution because their parents can't care for them due to prison, drugs, alcohol, poverty and some, like Grace, were just abandoned.  And at age 18, they are simply let out into the street.  Many turn to drugs and/or prostitution.  The suicide rate among these young adults is alarmingly high.  They never had the opportunity to know real love and so have never developed the ability to love.  Yes, they are cared for in the strictest sense of the word, but no more than that.  This is just one of the many, many reasons we want to go back.  We loved our experience in Ukraine.  The people were wonderful.  These children deserve a chance to know real love and to thrive.

These children are Ukrainian, aren't they gorgeous?

And the Race Begins!

We are finally on our way!  We are halfway done with our homestudy and are underway with the very labor intensive dossier paperwork.  International adoption is very expensive, as most of you know. This is why I have changed my blog to reflect this journey and also to ask for help. You will see some changes to the blog in coming weeks.  I will be sharing our journey through the blog.  (I hope it isn't too boring!)  The biggest change is that we have added a "SUPPORT" button.  Gene and I are not rich, by any means, but that doesn't take away from our desire for a child.  There are SO many children in Ukraine, as well as all over the world, who need families.  We had a wonderful experience adopting Grace, we are dying to do it again.  After many years of infertility, miscarriages, and failed adoptions, we feel that God was preparing us for this journey.  Good things come to those who wait, right?

If you are interested, you may donate online securely, through Google Checkout. 100% of ALL the money donated will be used for adoption expenses. The money goes directly into our Adoption Savings Account.  The total cost including the homestudy will be over $25,000.  We are planning other ways to raise money as well, but as far as I know Ebay will not take my kidney!  :-)  You can think of it as a small contribution to making a home for a child who has never had a family, regular nutritious meals, a kiss or a cuddle, a big sister or someone who will always love them unconditionally.

We gratefully appreciate ANY financial assistance you are able to provide!  Thank you and stay tuned!

Flaws

Who among us wants to admit to our flaws?  I, for one, am absolutely flawless.  I always return calls on time, I discipline my child effectively, I am constantly patient, kind, and demure.  I never yell or get annoyed at thoughtless, stupid people.  (Those of you drinking a hot beverage or alcohol may want to put it down.  I understand it burns when snorted out of one's nose).

I am one of the most FLAWED people I know!  Okay, that said, do I want to admit it?  Of course not.  But once you have children, you can so clearly see your own flaws.  Every day I do something wrong as a parent or worse, see my flaws reflected in Grace.  Anyone who knows me (or read my blog) knows that I am a wee bit sarcastic.  A sarcastic 8 year old is just plain annoying.  As my grandmother used to say "She doesn't get that from the stones."  Anyway, back to the subject at hand.

My issue is with those who can see neither theirs or their children's.  What is that Bible verse?  Something about taking the log out of your own eye so you can help with the spec in your neighbor's?  I clearly have logs in my eye, we all do.  But how do you handle those who don't think they do?  Recently, Grace was bullied by some neighborhood boys, one spit on her.  I know that Grace has the capacity to provoke, part of that is her extreme insecurity and fear of being disliked, the other part is "seems like a good idea at the time."  The Mama Bear in me wanted to rip those kids limb from limb.  But I have traveled that path before, it has not worked.  Neither has calmly trying to talk to the parent.  Their parents, you see, have no logs.  They, and consequently, their children are perfection itself.  Frankly, I am the first person to think, "Geez, now what has Grace done?"  I know what she is capable of but it is my responsibility to make sure she understands her flaws and owns up to her mistakes.  Some days I want to scream "DOES NO ONE ELSE FEEL THAT RESPONSIBILITY?"

I know what you're thinking, I should face the problem and confront the parents.  This isn't the first time she has been picked on in the 'hood, and it won't be the last.  Perhaps one of my flaws is the unwillingness to take on a losing battle.  But I want to show her that the only person she can control is herself.  If she makes the right decisions, those stupid boys don't matter. Those boys, thankfully, are not my responsibility.  My girl can succeed in spite of her neurological issues, insecurities and impulsiveness.  Perhaps flaws are what makes us who we are instead of the perfections.

And so it begins...

The paperchase.  We have decided to adopt again!  After having Grace evaluated by a renown neuropsychologist, resulting in a diagnosis of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, we have decided to do it again.  Crazy, you say?  Absolutely.  We have always wanted siblings for Grace.  And for whatever reason, in His providence, God has led us down this path.  Grace needs siblings.  We want a bigger family.  And this great organization can help us go back to our beloved Ukraine.

So many awesome kids without hope of love and a family to care for them forever.  The biological train may have left the station long ago, but adoption is so, so special.  I remember so well the little faces watching us as we played with Grace on the little makeshift playground.  Big round eyes taking in our every move.  I can still see them all.  I wonder what happened to them.  Now we have the chance to do it again!  I'm so excited!

The paperwork is massive and draining.  The savings account is not as large as it needs to be.  We are looking for ways to raise money.  Our friends have been incredibly supportive.  That's good because we will be calling in the troops for help.  If we can get our act together, we can travel before the end of the year!  Yikes!

Stay tuned for more info...especially on fundraising!

How are we raising our kids???

Are we raising our kids to be compassionate, loving children of God?  Or are we raising selfish bullies who cannot resist the opportunity to taunt other kids?  I will be the first to admit my kid is difficult.  She has special needs, is impatient, struggles with social cues, she is anxious, bossy and desperately wants other kids to like her but has NO idea how to accomplish that.  She has neurological problems.  While no one else knows this, what she gets in return is mean, selfish kids who make fun of her or worse will play with her when there is no one else around, then talk about her behind her back.  It kills me to watch her in our own neighborhood, just wanting to be included, accepted and kids are so awful to her.  And judging by our experience in baseball and basketball, their parents are no better.

Where does this come from?  Are we so desperate to be "better" than everyone else that we lack the empathy and compassion to function in REAL society?  Is this who we WANT our kids to be?  Do we WANT our kids to be the obnoxious Dad or Mom at Little League who demands their kid pitches or always starts?  Really?  Don't our kids deserve better? 

It doesn't matter if our kids have special needs, are shy, athletic, whatever...everyone deserves to be treated with respect and kindness.  Kids can be so mean.  I'm so glad we decided to homeschool, given Grace's issues and the society in which we live.  If we put her out there, it would break her spirit.  I will never do that.

Is this what we are really meant to become????  How very, very sad.

Fetal Alcohol Syndrome

Two months ago, my daughter, now 8, was diagnosed with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.  We were blown away.  On one hand, we now had neurological proof that something was amiss.  On the other hand, my daughter will struggle her entire life result of her birth mother's selfishness.  Grace's brain just isn't wired like others.  She hides it well, but struggles to understand the world around her.  She's my impulsive, no filter, few social skills, active, anxious, mouthy and incredibly intelligent little girl.  I'm just so sorry we didn't see this sooner.  As I look back on the last 6 or 7 years, I so wish we new.  I would have done so many things differently.  But I can no longer look back, I must look ahead, for Grace.

We are facing thousands in therapy including, visual, speech, OT, and psychological.  It is so hard to watch your child come to the realization that she is different.  She is already anxious, the thought of her brain "not working right" is staggering for her.  The thing is she is very intelligent.  I have come to find out that there is a HUGE difference between intelligence and functionality.  She processes sight and sound differently than most children due to the neurological changes in her brain.  And to fine out that all these issues can be related to attitude and behavior both answers questions and creates a helplessness in changing anything.  Where do we go from here?

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as He did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;that I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him forever in the next.
Amen.