In Thanksgiving...

After the disaster of the last few weeks, I decided to posted about all the things I am thankful for. Most of these I take for granted daily but recently have had cause to think about them more closely.

My husband - I have many friends who are divorced or in unhappy marriages. I am extremely lucky to be married to the love of my life. We finish each other's sentences and are very compatible. After 11 years, he still makes me laugh and I would rather spend my time with him than anyone else.

My daughter - I have posted before on the difficulty in getting pregnant and subsequent adoption. While I may have missed out on the "traditional" way to build a family, I have never once regretted adopting. Grace is my love, my world, my heart. She is smart, funny and challenging. It still amazes me that God made my perfect family 15,000 miles away.

My sister - My sister and I were never very close growing up. We are polar opposites. She is 7 years older than I am. We have growth closer over the last several years and I am eternally grateful for her friendship, advice, support and her ability to make me laugh, hysterically.

My faith - I am extremely grateful to have a God who forgives my sins, loves me unconditionally and helps to make me a better person. I love being Catholic. I love all the aspects of it. Our church is wonderful, full of way to increase my faith. I would be lost without it.

My friends - I have an interestingly diverse group of friends. Some with deep Catholic faith, like mine, mostly from Church or from Grace's school, some from the neighborhood, and some from, well, forever. Each fills a place in my life that needs to be filled. They make me a better person.

Chocolate - 'nuf said.

Being a SAHM - In this economy, I am very lucky to be able to stay home for my family. While I lack many of the qualities of being a good "housewife", particularly a lack of affection for cleaning, I don't miss working and all the headaches that come with it.

Living in the USA - Despite my deep distain for our current President, I still believe in the freedom of speech, freedom of religion and the fact that the people still have a voice in this country. So many people in this world don't have those rights, so we should cherish them.

I wish everyone a very Happy Thanksgiving. Pray for our Armed Forces, and for each other. We all need it.

Perspective...

The last few weeks have been tough for us. My father in law, who suffers from Alzheimers, is slipping away. We think he might have had another mini-stroke, or perhaps this horrible disease is just accelerating. Previously, the conversations were sometimes silly or full of non-sequiters but he was there. He usually knew me and sometimes even called me by name. He lit up when Grace came to visit. She adores him. But the last few visits have been different. He sleeps a lot or is totally disengaged. My husband saw him today and he couldn't even feed himself. He "reads" the paper upside down and cannot answer questions. So tragic to see someone's entire life wiped away. I remember feeling outraged when my own father died that people dared to go back to their lives when someone so important had left me. It is so similar now except that person is sitting right in front of me, and can't even remember their own life. Their triumphs and tragedies, their great loves, sad times, the birth of their children and grandchildren. I can't think of anything more cruel. It is right there in front of you, so close you could touch it but just a distant unreachable memory.

My husband and mother in law are dealing well. My mother in law is very practical and I think feels the need to keep everything together and moving forward. She has a strong support system at her church and community. Gene and I try to do as much as we can but it inevitably falls short, especially on my end. Both her daughters are overseas at the moment. I'm sure it is
so difficult being so far away right now. Both are coming home soon and will likely be shocked at his deterioration over the last 3 months. Gene is trying to be the good son and succeeding, I think. He has a tremendous sense of loyalty. He is running himself ragged trying to do all the things he thinks he needs to. We are all exhausted.

Things with my husbands family have not always been the best for us over the years. But when I look back now, some of those things seem silly. I wish they hadn't happened. Time wasted can never be regained. My father in law will never see Grace grow up, won't remember his children or their families. Compared to that many things seem trivial.

In keeping with the stressful theme of the past couple of weeks, my beloved dog has cancer. He had a tumor removed from the top of his head a couple of days ago. The scar is awful, 4 inches long and greatly resembles something Dr. Frankenstein would do. Poor baby started to bother it and broke it open. So, back to the vet for the "cone of shame". He looks miserable. Probably feels miserable too. We have to wait another week for the biopsy results. So much loss, is it all really necessary?

I am praying for my friend, Suzanne, who is undergoing surgery tomorrow for a malignant growth on her spine. All looks good for a successful outcome. And a dear friend of the family is fighting off complications from heart surgery and collapsed lung. He is better but it is touch and go.

All these things are weighing on me. My temper has been short. A two by four hit me over the head tonight as I realized who the real victim was in all this stress and worry. Grace. She is not getting what she needs, attention, patience, love from me. I have been acting as though she is just one more thing I need to do, another task. I have too much on my plate and something has to give but it can't be her. Starting tomorrow, from the time she gets home from school until bedtime, no computer, no gift shop, only focus on her. She has been horrible to deal with. She is very sensitive. She senses stuff is going on because I am stressed, Daddy is stressed and she is getting attention any way she can.

It has to change. Right now, she is a gift I don't deserve but I will change that.

Now what...

I haven't written in the blog for awhile.

Life has been very frustrating these days. I remind myself every day how much I love my family. I love my daughter. But she challenges me to my toes every single day of my life. I love her more than anything. The greatest day of my life was the day the put her in my arms. But at times, I look at her and I don't like her. Is that horrible? It makes me feel like a horrible person, a horrible mother. Should she have gotten a better mother? Someone more patient. She could not find someone who loves her more but I just can't seem to help her.


After a particularly difficult couple of weeks, Grace and I went to a fundraiser at Chick Fil A for her school. She, of course, was wild in the play area where I had to intervene often on other children's behalf. Grace isn't mean or hateful, just passionate and enthusiastic, most times to her detriment. She is the queen of "seemed like a good idea at the time."

Anyway, about 5 or 6 of us Moms/Teachers were sitting and talking. Most know of my difficulties with Grace and are supportive. I expressed my sadness at my failures and embarrassment at a couple of recent events. It was amazing. All these women took turns telling me something they loved about Grace. Her enthusiasm, her curiosity, her fearlessness, her outgoing nature, her love for God and our faith. Her teacher truly loves these kids exactly the way God made them, issues and all. I cannot tell you how that made me feel. Relieved, proud, normal. I left there thinking we had made the right decision in send her to this school but also that I had support and she was loved. Grace is a character and she needs LOADS of guidance. I have no choice but to rise to the occasion.

So, I plan to spend the next few months blogging on the adventures of my amazing Grace, good, bad and ugly, hoping to be able to look back and laugh and to appreciate what a wonderful gift she is.

Someone reminded me this week that children are given to us to help sanctify us and we are to help sanctify them. What a daunting responsibility!

Facebook

I am relatively new to Facebook. As a 40-something, I have seen methods of communication develop since my childhood. I routinely text my husband with questions, or funny pictures through the day but I clearly remember, as a freshman in college, waiting anxiously for the mail and letters from friends. In my freshman year, I went to a very conservative Catholic college run by the Sisters of Mercy. If they heard you swear or use bad language or swear, you didn't get mail for a week! It was awful. It took me awhile to catch on. I can't imagine in these days of immediacy, that college kids today would ever have to worry about that. Do people even write letters anymore?

Which brings me to Facebook. A new way to connect with old friends, keep in touch and a whole new way of insulting people, hurting their feelings. I'm talking about "unfriending". So, when you "unfriend" someone, are you "unfriending" them in life too? This recently happened to me. I must say I was devastated. And, by my estimation, we are no longer friends in "real life". This friend went through a fairly tough divorce which I knew nothing about until 2 years later. We have kids the same age and have known each other for about 10 years. To make a long story short, we have always had a kidding, sibling kind of relationship, sarcastic banter, and joking around. When we re-connected on FB, I continued as we had always done, kidding them about various posts etc. Apparently, the joke was on me. This person changed the rules on me. And instead of sharing with me his new desire for "positivity", I was dumped. To make matters worse, this person remained in contact with my husband.

Are we really to the point where human contact is so unnecessary? Where we can end relationships via technology? How sad. I mourn the loss of this friendship but also the loss of a world where this would not have happened.

A new school year...

My baby has started first grade. She came home from school and said, "Mommy, thank you for letting me go to first grade." As if I could stop her. Wasn't it yesterday that I was rocking her to sleep in the rocking chair in our old house? I feel melancholy for those days. Just me and her, playing, taking walks, watching her in wonder as she figures things out. Why don't we realize how fast it goes at the time? As many parents, I wish time could freeze or at least slow down. I live in fear that something will happen to her and I will suddenly have wasted all this time.

We have had some challenges lately. She is so exhausted after school but just will not give in. Instead, the mood gets worse, the mouth and disrespect ramp up. Sometimes it makes me want to cry. I truly think it is her way of trying to maintain control when she is anxious or tired. She has to have the last word, on everything. Drives me crazy. I find I want to have the last word after her, just to prove I am the one in control. How childish. We just need routine and she is fighting it. She already lost outside time after school for her behavior during and after Mass yesterday. It is almost as though she feels disconnected with the attention is not on her so she causes a disruption to focus it back on her. Any attention is good attention.

Now she is wiser that I am. She is excited about the new year. LOVES the first grade teacher. As a matter of fact, her wonderful kindergarten teacher invited her to spend the day with her the day before school started fixing up her classroom. She had a wonderful time. It is those moments she just lights up, it touches me. It helps me to see her through other people's eyes. How her grandfather, who is suffering from Alzheimers, lights up when he sees her. We have never seen him have a bad day when she is there. She has a loving way about her, sometimes with everyone but me. She says hello to everyone in the nursing home, they just light up. I think they do not see many children. She loves equally, completely. I hope she never loses that.

She challenges me to my toes, every day. I usually fail the challenge. Perhaps this is why God gave her to me, to make me a better person. I love her more than anything.

A new purpose?

A friend told me yesterday of a woman she knows who desperately wanted to adopted another child after her son. It never happened. This woman, after a time, came to believe that God has a special purpose for only children. What is Grace's purpose? Still to be determined, I guess. Right now she makes us happy and that is enough. Yes, this is a different kind of upbringing than those with siblings, but I hope to God it isn't worse.

I was not an only child. Neither was my husband. I look back on my father's illness and subsequent death and the time a few years ago that my mother was seriously ill and realize what a huge consolation my sister was during those times. My brother , not so much but that is a story for a different blog. :-) As we face my father in law's Alzheimers and his other physical issues, Gene's sister and he are doing their best to support their mother. Again, his brother, not so much. Also, a story for another blog. Siblings can play such an important role in one's life. I always wanted Grace to have a sibling. Someone to be able to reminisce with, to share taking care of old parents with but that is not happening. I hope and pray that she will make other relationships that will fill that void. Knowing Grace, I don't think I am too worried about that.

Okay, that said, how do I change my perspective to make it better/easier for her? She is very strong-willed and while she regrets not having a sibling, she has developed a great imagination and love of pretend that she perhaps would not have. We three have a very tight bond. The downside is having to be playmate and parent, sometimes a difficult position.

I am able now, somewhat, to look ahead and see the monetary advantages to only having one child. And at 45 years old, there are certainly some physical advantages. I want Grace to grow up to be strong and self sufficient, and not the whiny, feeling sorry for yourself person that I have become of late. I don't want to feel this way. Anyone who knows me well can attest that it isn't really they way I am. What kind of example am I showing her? To crumble when you don't get what you want? I want her to be strong, to know she can do anything she sets her mind to. She asked me the other day if she could have the baby in her tummy since I couldn't. Wow. I almost fell over. In her mind, I think, it was a way to solve the problem. What I saw was a little girl trying to ease her mother's pain. Again, wow. For that alone I should shut and be grateful.

Truth be told, I am tired of feeling angry and sad. If this is the life I have, how do I change my goals and perspective to make it better? I can spend the next 20 years being resentful that I didn't get another child or I can appreciate what I have and move on.

Now to figure out how...

Interesting phenomenon...

I have noticed an interesting phenomenon. Humans are so uncomfortable with other people's pain, that they act like it doesn't exist. So, my question is, is it worse to ignore it and perhaps hope that the person in pain moves on? Or to acknowledge the pain and at least try to help or be sympathetic. Have we become a society so wrapped up in our own issues that we can no longer even see others for what they are or what they need?

I have a friend from high school whose brother just committed suicide. We were not close friends in high school but through modern technology (Facebook) we have reconnected. Her pain is terrible. I can only imagine what his 3 kids are going through. Anyway, in order to for someone to actually commit suicide, the pain must be so unbearable that death is preferrable. I have been there. I have felt that kind of pain. While I not currently suicidal, thank God, I also remember feeling really embarrassed by my pain. Why is asking for help so difficult? Why are we embarrassed by other people's pain? Is it that we feel helpless to change things? I would hate to think it is because we just don't care. But do we? Really?

It is curious that since I have been going through this very difficult time, it continually surprises me the people I hear from in support and the people I don't. I tend to think the people I don't hear from are either very uncomfortable with my pain or think I am being a whiny pain in the ass who just needs to shut up. Perhaps both.

I had a friend once who went through similar infertility issues that I did. She had fertility treatments which resulted in 2 beautiful children. I did not. Once her children were born she totally lost the ability to empathize with my struggle. She would talk on and on about her kids while completely missing that I was about to burst into tears. This was a VERY good friend. Are we THAT self-absorbed as a culture to just routinely dismiss others? I am sure I am guilty of obliviousness at times. Surely it isn't intentional. Is it? I need to do better, we all do...

Moving on...

So where do I go from here? Spent the day feeling sorry for myself and basically hating anyone who has what I want. Totally nonsensical, selfish and ridiculous. But I'm trying.

I need to be angry at someone. God and myself are the targets of the day. God has broken my heart. My purpose for living has been completely altered. My dream for myself as a Mom is all wrong now. Thanks to a friend today (thank you, Margaret), I remind myself of the gift that I do have, the gift of adoption and my daughter Grace. Don't misunderstand, I love her with all my heart, I would never trade her. She is my heart and my soul. But when you have spent the last 10 years on a journey only to have it end abruptly, without any resolution, it is so disheartening, devastating. This journey has been all-consuming. To see it all around me, others have it, others can get it, but I'm on the outside looking in.

So, now what do I do? I feel myself developing resentment and sadness. It is hard to control and even harder to make others understand. I don't belong anymore. I always thought I would get another chance. Another chance to do it better, to give our love to another child.

So, now what? It is affecting my family and especially my very sensitive daughter. Lord, help me.

The dream is dead

Our last true hope fell through yesterday with an email from the adoption attorney. The birthmother thought we were too old and will be "continuing her search". Ouch. It's not just that I didn't pick you, your too old too. Honesty is overrated.

God's 2x4 to the head. Wake up you idiot, it isn't going to happen. Save your money, save your breath, save your sanity and move on. I feel an emptiness in the pit of my stomach. I realize that it's not just that we won't get a baby, it's also that I'm too old for this. When did I become too old? After yesterday, I feel like I should roll up my tent and call it a day. I'm in that limbo area where apparently, I am too old for more kids, but too young for middle age.

How long to I have to suffer these women who insist on telling me all about their pregnancy or the baby they just adopted. In the last 6 months, I have had 3 friends have babies and 2 adopt. Everyone but me. I just want to scream in their face. WHY NOT ME??? WHY NOT US??? WHY ARE YOU SO SPECIAL???? WHY DO YOU GET WHAT YOU WANT??? WHAT DID I DO WRONG??

It makes me sick. Literally, sick to my stomach.

This will take me a very long time to get over. God wants me to be pro-life, pro-family, pro-child...just from the outside looking in. My heart is broken.

Nothing...

Nothing...that has been the story for the last year. Something happens, we get a lead, then nothing. It is very similar to when I was trying to get pregnant. You wait, then nothing.

I think I am getting more resigned. There are still a few things that could happen but don't seem very likely at this point. I saw a young woman at church, Megan, who just adopted a baby girl. They were hooked up with the birthmother through mutual friends, it was stressful at times, but happened just like clockwork. No worries, the revocation period ends today. I'm sure it did not seem easy to her, but from the outside, seemed unbelievably simple. She is over the moon, I don't blame her.

The older Grace gets, the older I feel. It was easy to feel young when she was a toddler. I had a pre-schooler. Now heading into 1st grade, there is no turning back.

I have asked myself over and over, now what? If the seemingly impossible happens, that will change everything, for the better, I think. But, if not, I need to find a way to move on and be happy with the life I have. Can I do that? I have spent so much time being angry and resentful for all the things that I don't have. Fertility, another child, peace. It takes so much energy. Am I missing the life I have?? Yes, sometimes.

How to become more engaged in the life I have, instead of pining for the one I want?? More questions, no answers.

A new call...

So, we got a call from our adoption attorney. Well, she would have been our adoption attorney, if we had ever gotten a birth mother. Seems she is meeting with a birth mother on Monday who is very seriously considering adoption. No other information. I sent her a letter and some photos. We shall see. I haven't really told anyone since I am trying not to get my hopes up. As I have said so many times before, we shall see.

I think I am moving closer to acceptance. It is still difficult to look at baby stuff or hear of yet another friend having another baby, perhaps it always will be. Some days I wake up and think I could never do this again. Grace can be difficult. She is very intelligent and curious but the constant need to control is maddening. I am sure I don't handle it correctly. Her world is very "Grace-centric" which I suppose is normal at 6 but she has a kind and nurturing heart that is sometimes going to waste without a sibling.

I also worry about her being able to handle the responsibilities of caring her elderly parents when that time comes. I am watching Gene struggle with his family and the declining health of his father. He and his sister, Lisa, are bearing most of the burden which he is happy to do but doing it all by yourself is another thing entirely. When Dad was sick back in 2001, it was so nice to have my sister and brother to talk to. I took a lot of the responsibility because I was close to him but there was someone else there who understood. And as the years pass after his death, it is nice to have someone who has my memories of childhood, funny stories. Who will she share that with?

We shall wait and see. The task at the moment is to get this family on track, healthy...that means me.

Is this it?

God has graced me with a beautiful little girl. We chose the name Grace because we felt that it was because of the grace of God that we got her. In this bargain, we also have received a child with anxiety and possibly ADHD. I love her more than anything and would never trade her, but, like any child, she has her challenges.


The wonderful thing about Grace is that she loves fully and completely. She loves everyone the same, no matter what. The homeless man on the street deserves and gets the same amount of attention as our priest or any other friend of the family. She is bright and observant. Not too many things get by her. She is energetic and enthusiastic. This year we tried horseback riding and Irish Dance, both smashing successes. She gives 150% to everything and when it doesn't go exactly the way she wants or expects, watch out. She demands perfection of herself, which, at times, worries me. She is loud, demanding and difficult. But also funny, loving and smart.


We butt heads often. As she is an only child, she has elevated herself to the level of an adult and thereby thinks that all things concern her. It is not possible to have a conversation that does not include her. The real down side to that is that she pays attention to everything and processes it through the mind of a 6 year old with anxiety. She obssesses over many little things, worries alot and can't let things go. It is sad to watch this little person go to pieces over something that she can neither control nor should even be in the realm of her concern.


Parenting a child with anxiety comes with a whole new set of issues. Picking and choosing when (or if) you tell her something, having to monitor exposure to certain people, shows, movies etc. Which as a parent is our responsibility anyway but anxiety puts a different complexion on it. The meltdowns are epic. I call it going over the "cliff". If you can prevent her getting to that point then you are home free, if she goes, then it will be a good 45 mins to an hour before she can even hear you. At that point, she needs you to hold her tight and let her cry. It can be heart-wrenching. You want to make it all go away but sadly, do not have the power to do that.

It can be utterly exhausting, answering the same question, over and over, addressing the same worries every day, endlessly reassuring her. As annoying as it can be, it helps to try to see things from her perspective. It must be terrible to worry so much, to be unsure. The interesting thing is that most people would be astounded to know she has anxiety. She is very upfront and outgoing. Not what most people would consider to be "anxious".

I wish I was more patient, more understanding. I wish we had another child to "offset" some of her fears, to occupy her and make her feel more like eveyone else. Sometimes I feel like if I have to face this and only this for the rest of my life, I might go mad.

But as I tell Grace, everyday is a new day with no mistakes in it. Tomorrow I will try again.

If wishes were horses...

beggars would ride. Yes, an old cliche. But oh so true. I can, and have, wished my life away waiting for what I hope is coming.

Here are my wishes in no particular order:

• to be thin, fit and healthy


• to be pain-free and off medication


• to adopt another child


• to be ten years younger - no, 15 years younger


• to be a better parent


• to be more patient


• to be financially secure


• to be a better wife

I'm sure there are thousands of other things I could wish for. But I have wished for and even prayed for some of the things I listed above. Not terribly successfully, I'm afraid. I know I will never be 15 years younger. I know we will not adopt another child. Financially secure? Not likely.

I wish I could stop going around in circles, never accomplishing anything, just feeling frustrated. I think I have never NOT felt like a failure of one kind or another. How to change? How to make it better? I wish I knew.

Is it too late??

I thought today as I watched another Mom pack up her kids after swimming lessons, is it too late? She was laden with snacks, sippy cups for the younger ones. Of course, she was a good deal younger than I too. I miss those days. I wish I had little ones together. I certainly didn't appreciate that time when I was in the middle of it. Grace was never a good napper, I never seemed to get a break. And resented it. Now that I look back, knowing that I will likely never get the chance again, I wish I had been more present, savored the moments.

I never felt quite prepared, always reaching for some sort of end, whether it be a nap, a peaceful meal, quiet...something other than what I had. How I regret that now. I never quite got it when people said enjoy them while they are young, it goes fast. Grace will be in 1st grade. I have friends still having babies, now I don't fit in. I feel old. Having a little one made me feel young and old at the same time. Young because I fit in to the younger, child-bearing crowd, and old when I felt I couldn't keep up with her. I feel like I'm in limbo somehow. I still so want another child but I worry if it is too late. I hurt to think I won't ever rock a baby to sleep again, or hear first words, see first steps. It all seems so far away now.

Where has it all gone? I guess I still have vague hope but then I have my "voice of financial reason" husband counting the ways why we can't do it. It sucks to have your ability to have a family come down to dollars and cents. It seems any poor woman can get pregnant, money isn't the driver, then there are just more people who can't care for their children. A horrible cycle especially when there are people like us willing and wishing for children. So frustrating...

And then there are the people who are so thrilled with their own fertility and ability to procreate that they forget that not all of us are as blessed as they are. Sometimes, no actually most times, it is difficult to plaster yet another smile on my face when I hear about someone else getting pregnant...again. Yes, somewhere inside me I am happy for them. It isn't about them. It is just another reminder of what I can't have.

Selfish, yes. Unreasonable, possibly. But I can't help the way I feel. I'm working on it...

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy
with Him Forever in the next.
Amen.

I think about this prayer a lot these days. Not just about the adoption but about my life. Handling an anxious, high energy, always challenging child literally zaps me of my strength. Grace is a a constant challenge, every day. In good ways and bad. She challenges me because she is so smart, because she never misses anything but alway because the world MUST be according to her rules. She will badger me until I want to scream. Sometimes I do scream. I think she would have been better off with a sibling. I wish I had done so many things differently. To give her a better life, a better mother. I never think I am good enough but sometimes I lack the energy to change.

Isn't the definition of insanity to do the same things over and over and expect a different result? I live in that world.

Nothing yet...

Acceptance...not a word I have ever spent a lot of time on. It is a difficult concept for me to grasp, that I don't have control over what will happen. I have always liked the Serenity Prayer but somehow have trouble living by it.

No word from this newest lead. Have tried to "accept" that this may just be all. Just one child. Certainly not the plan. In some ways a lot more difficult, especially considering Grace's personality. But, accepting what comes...I really have no choice.

Not crying as much anymore. But feeling my identity is somewhat blurred by being in "limbo". Not a working Mom, only one child in school. So, who am I anymore? Not sure.

Dare we hope???

Just got a lead about a local 17 year old girl who is pregnant and wishes to make an adoption plan. My friend, the wonderful, Barbara, says she wants to meet us. Trying not to get my hopes up.

It is all about accepting what comes....

And so it begins...

Just formally pulled out of the China adoption program. Yes, I knew it was coming. It is just so final. The wait is ridiculously long, perhaps another 4 or 5 years at this pace. So many children who will never get homes. So many hearts broken like mine.

Each step now feels like ice cold water thrown in my face. Almost got through yesterday without crying. Now today is blown too.

At 45 years old, dreams of more children die quickly...dare I hope for a miracle? Miracles don't happen for people like me. My last and only miracle is almost 7.

No More "Goodnight Moon"

No more "Goodnight Moon"
No more first steps
No more delicious baby smell after a bath
No more first smiles, or first steps
No more checking to make sure they are breathing
No more sneaking into the room to watch them sleep
Tiny little clothes, tiny little shoes
Gone, all gone

I blinked and Grace is in first grade. Where has the time gone? Gone is my little baby girl, struggling to talk, not sleeping through the night, falling asleep in my arms in the rocking chair.

I blink back the tears in the realization that it is all gone. I won't ever have that chance again. God's cruel joke. Ha, ha, the joke's on me. I never once imagined that we wouldn't have more children. For the last 10 years, that is all we have worked for, building a family. Ten long years of a constant uphill battle of infertility, adoption paperwork, ill-advised decisions, money worries, all for nothing. No money, no adoption, no nothing. I have been trying so hard for so long, the void is palpable.

We got our chance, in Ukraine, 5 years ago and that's it. No more. My body physically hurts when I think about it. Don't get me wrong, I adore my daughter, and my ever-frustrated husband, and I wouldn't trade them, but this hurts, physically hurts.

Some may think that I am wallowing in some sort of self-indulgent pity, perhaps they are right. But perhaps it needs to be part of my healing process, to mourn the loss of the family I will never have, the fertility that I lost, the envy when I see others have what I so desperately have wanted. It is especially hard when I see it all around me. Friends having babies, friends I have distanced myself from ashamed of my own jealousy. Or pregnant teenage daughters of friends who decide to keep their babies. A prolifically fertile church and school where it is common for families to have 6, 7, 8 or 10 kids! Do they kow what a gift they have??? All I wanted was 2! It is all around me. But I can't have it, can't touch it, ever the outsider looking in. So angry, and no one to be angry at.

I've wanted this as long as I can remember. We wanted a sibling for Grace, boy or girl, but Grace wanted a girl, "baby sister". I never wanted her to be alone, alone in a world of adults. Alone after we were gone. I have 2 siblings. I wanted her to have someone she could laugh with, play with, reminisce with as I have had. It hurts me to think she will be the one, the only one, to care for us in our old age. So much responsibility. She's just waiting and wanting to be an adult when I just want her to enjoy being a child.

I had to choke back the tears when I told her that there would be no more "baby sister". She wanted to know why God didn't answer her prayers. I had no answer for her. How could God ignore the prayers of one so innocent and pure of heart? I've given up praying for it. He isn't listening anymore, He just wants me to shut up.

I have learned this isn't a linear process. I don't feel a little better every day. Good days and bad days. Maybe tomorrow will be better.