No More "Goodnight Moon"

No more "Goodnight Moon"
No more first steps
No more delicious baby smell after a bath
No more first smiles, or first steps
No more checking to make sure they are breathing
No more sneaking into the room to watch them sleep
Tiny little clothes, tiny little shoes
Gone, all gone

I blinked and Grace is in first grade. Where has the time gone? Gone is my little baby girl, struggling to talk, not sleeping through the night, falling asleep in my arms in the rocking chair.

I blink back the tears in the realization that it is all gone. I won't ever have that chance again. God's cruel joke. Ha, ha, the joke's on me. I never once imagined that we wouldn't have more children. For the last 10 years, that is all we have worked for, building a family. Ten long years of a constant uphill battle of infertility, adoption paperwork, ill-advised decisions, money worries, all for nothing. No money, no adoption, no nothing. I have been trying so hard for so long, the void is palpable.

We got our chance, in Ukraine, 5 years ago and that's it. No more. My body physically hurts when I think about it. Don't get me wrong, I adore my daughter, and my ever-frustrated husband, and I wouldn't trade them, but this hurts, physically hurts.

Some may think that I am wallowing in some sort of self-indulgent pity, perhaps they are right. But perhaps it needs to be part of my healing process, to mourn the loss of the family I will never have, the fertility that I lost, the envy when I see others have what I so desperately have wanted. It is especially hard when I see it all around me. Friends having babies, friends I have distanced myself from ashamed of my own jealousy. Or pregnant teenage daughters of friends who decide to keep their babies. A prolifically fertile church and school where it is common for families to have 6, 7, 8 or 10 kids! Do they kow what a gift they have??? All I wanted was 2! It is all around me. But I can't have it, can't touch it, ever the outsider looking in. So angry, and no one to be angry at.

I've wanted this as long as I can remember. We wanted a sibling for Grace, boy or girl, but Grace wanted a girl, "baby sister". I never wanted her to be alone, alone in a world of adults. Alone after we were gone. I have 2 siblings. I wanted her to have someone she could laugh with, play with, reminisce with as I have had. It hurts me to think she will be the one, the only one, to care for us in our old age. So much responsibility. She's just waiting and wanting to be an adult when I just want her to enjoy being a child.

I had to choke back the tears when I told her that there would be no more "baby sister". She wanted to know why God didn't answer her prayers. I had no answer for her. How could God ignore the prayers of one so innocent and pure of heart? I've given up praying for it. He isn't listening anymore, He just wants me to shut up.

I have learned this isn't a linear process. I don't feel a little better every day. Good days and bad days. Maybe tomorrow will be better.