Is this it?

God has graced me with a beautiful little girl. We chose the name Grace because we felt that it was because of the grace of God that we got her. In this bargain, we also have received a child with anxiety and possibly ADHD. I love her more than anything and would never trade her, but, like any child, she has her challenges.


The wonderful thing about Grace is that she loves fully and completely. She loves everyone the same, no matter what. The homeless man on the street deserves and gets the same amount of attention as our priest or any other friend of the family. She is bright and observant. Not too many things get by her. She is energetic and enthusiastic. This year we tried horseback riding and Irish Dance, both smashing successes. She gives 150% to everything and when it doesn't go exactly the way she wants or expects, watch out. She demands perfection of herself, which, at times, worries me. She is loud, demanding and difficult. But also funny, loving and smart.


We butt heads often. As she is an only child, she has elevated herself to the level of an adult and thereby thinks that all things concern her. It is not possible to have a conversation that does not include her. The real down side to that is that she pays attention to everything and processes it through the mind of a 6 year old with anxiety. She obssesses over many little things, worries alot and can't let things go. It is sad to watch this little person go to pieces over something that she can neither control nor should even be in the realm of her concern.


Parenting a child with anxiety comes with a whole new set of issues. Picking and choosing when (or if) you tell her something, having to monitor exposure to certain people, shows, movies etc. Which as a parent is our responsibility anyway but anxiety puts a different complexion on it. The meltdowns are epic. I call it going over the "cliff". If you can prevent her getting to that point then you are home free, if she goes, then it will be a good 45 mins to an hour before she can even hear you. At that point, she needs you to hold her tight and let her cry. It can be heart-wrenching. You want to make it all go away but sadly, do not have the power to do that.

It can be utterly exhausting, answering the same question, over and over, addressing the same worries every day, endlessly reassuring her. As annoying as it can be, it helps to try to see things from her perspective. It must be terrible to worry so much, to be unsure. The interesting thing is that most people would be astounded to know she has anxiety. She is very upfront and outgoing. Not what most people would consider to be "anxious".

I wish I was more patient, more understanding. I wish we had another child to "offset" some of her fears, to occupy her and make her feel more like eveyone else. Sometimes I feel like if I have to face this and only this for the rest of my life, I might go mad.

But as I tell Grace, everyday is a new day with no mistakes in it. Tomorrow I will try again.

If wishes were horses...

beggars would ride. Yes, an old cliche. But oh so true. I can, and have, wished my life away waiting for what I hope is coming.

Here are my wishes in no particular order:

• to be thin, fit and healthy


• to be pain-free and off medication


• to adopt another child


• to be ten years younger - no, 15 years younger


• to be a better parent


• to be more patient


• to be financially secure


• to be a better wife

I'm sure there are thousands of other things I could wish for. But I have wished for and even prayed for some of the things I listed above. Not terribly successfully, I'm afraid. I know I will never be 15 years younger. I know we will not adopt another child. Financially secure? Not likely.

I wish I could stop going around in circles, never accomplishing anything, just feeling frustrated. I think I have never NOT felt like a failure of one kind or another. How to change? How to make it better? I wish I knew.

Is it too late??

I thought today as I watched another Mom pack up her kids after swimming lessons, is it too late? She was laden with snacks, sippy cups for the younger ones. Of course, she was a good deal younger than I too. I miss those days. I wish I had little ones together. I certainly didn't appreciate that time when I was in the middle of it. Grace was never a good napper, I never seemed to get a break. And resented it. Now that I look back, knowing that I will likely never get the chance again, I wish I had been more present, savored the moments.

I never felt quite prepared, always reaching for some sort of end, whether it be a nap, a peaceful meal, quiet...something other than what I had. How I regret that now. I never quite got it when people said enjoy them while they are young, it goes fast. Grace will be in 1st grade. I have friends still having babies, now I don't fit in. I feel old. Having a little one made me feel young and old at the same time. Young because I fit in to the younger, child-bearing crowd, and old when I felt I couldn't keep up with her. I feel like I'm in limbo somehow. I still so want another child but I worry if it is too late. I hurt to think I won't ever rock a baby to sleep again, or hear first words, see first steps. It all seems so far away now.

Where has it all gone? I guess I still have vague hope but then I have my "voice of financial reason" husband counting the ways why we can't do it. It sucks to have your ability to have a family come down to dollars and cents. It seems any poor woman can get pregnant, money isn't the driver, then there are just more people who can't care for their children. A horrible cycle especially when there are people like us willing and wishing for children. So frustrating...

And then there are the people who are so thrilled with their own fertility and ability to procreate that they forget that not all of us are as blessed as they are. Sometimes, no actually most times, it is difficult to plaster yet another smile on my face when I hear about someone else getting pregnant...again. Yes, somewhere inside me I am happy for them. It isn't about them. It is just another reminder of what I can't have.

Selfish, yes. Unreasonable, possibly. But I can't help the way I feel. I'm working on it...

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy
with Him Forever in the next.
Amen.

I think about this prayer a lot these days. Not just about the adoption but about my life. Handling an anxious, high energy, always challenging child literally zaps me of my strength. Grace is a a constant challenge, every day. In good ways and bad. She challenges me because she is so smart, because she never misses anything but alway because the world MUST be according to her rules. She will badger me until I want to scream. Sometimes I do scream. I think she would have been better off with a sibling. I wish I had done so many things differently. To give her a better life, a better mother. I never think I am good enough but sometimes I lack the energy to change.

Isn't the definition of insanity to do the same things over and over and expect a different result? I live in that world.

Nothing yet...

Acceptance...not a word I have ever spent a lot of time on. It is a difficult concept for me to grasp, that I don't have control over what will happen. I have always liked the Serenity Prayer but somehow have trouble living by it.

No word from this newest lead. Have tried to "accept" that this may just be all. Just one child. Certainly not the plan. In some ways a lot more difficult, especially considering Grace's personality. But, accepting what comes...I really have no choice.

Not crying as much anymore. But feeling my identity is somewhat blurred by being in "limbo". Not a working Mom, only one child in school. So, who am I anymore? Not sure.

Dare we hope???

Just got a lead about a local 17 year old girl who is pregnant and wishes to make an adoption plan. My friend, the wonderful, Barbara, says she wants to meet us. Trying not to get my hopes up.

It is all about accepting what comes....

And so it begins...

Just formally pulled out of the China adoption program. Yes, I knew it was coming. It is just so final. The wait is ridiculously long, perhaps another 4 or 5 years at this pace. So many children who will never get homes. So many hearts broken like mine.

Each step now feels like ice cold water thrown in my face. Almost got through yesterday without crying. Now today is blown too.

At 45 years old, dreams of more children die quickly...dare I hope for a miracle? Miracles don't happen for people like me. My last and only miracle is almost 7.

No More "Goodnight Moon"

No more "Goodnight Moon"
No more first steps
No more delicious baby smell after a bath
No more first smiles, or first steps
No more checking to make sure they are breathing
No more sneaking into the room to watch them sleep
Tiny little clothes, tiny little shoes
Gone, all gone

I blinked and Grace is in first grade. Where has the time gone? Gone is my little baby girl, struggling to talk, not sleeping through the night, falling asleep in my arms in the rocking chair.

I blink back the tears in the realization that it is all gone. I won't ever have that chance again. God's cruel joke. Ha, ha, the joke's on me. I never once imagined that we wouldn't have more children. For the last 10 years, that is all we have worked for, building a family. Ten long years of a constant uphill battle of infertility, adoption paperwork, ill-advised decisions, money worries, all for nothing. No money, no adoption, no nothing. I have been trying so hard for so long, the void is palpable.

We got our chance, in Ukraine, 5 years ago and that's it. No more. My body physically hurts when I think about it. Don't get me wrong, I adore my daughter, and my ever-frustrated husband, and I wouldn't trade them, but this hurts, physically hurts.

Some may think that I am wallowing in some sort of self-indulgent pity, perhaps they are right. But perhaps it needs to be part of my healing process, to mourn the loss of the family I will never have, the fertility that I lost, the envy when I see others have what I so desperately have wanted. It is especially hard when I see it all around me. Friends having babies, friends I have distanced myself from ashamed of my own jealousy. Or pregnant teenage daughters of friends who decide to keep their babies. A prolifically fertile church and school where it is common for families to have 6, 7, 8 or 10 kids! Do they kow what a gift they have??? All I wanted was 2! It is all around me. But I can't have it, can't touch it, ever the outsider looking in. So angry, and no one to be angry at.

I've wanted this as long as I can remember. We wanted a sibling for Grace, boy or girl, but Grace wanted a girl, "baby sister". I never wanted her to be alone, alone in a world of adults. Alone after we were gone. I have 2 siblings. I wanted her to have someone she could laugh with, play with, reminisce with as I have had. It hurts me to think she will be the one, the only one, to care for us in our old age. So much responsibility. She's just waiting and wanting to be an adult when I just want her to enjoy being a child.

I had to choke back the tears when I told her that there would be no more "baby sister". She wanted to know why God didn't answer her prayers. I had no answer for her. How could God ignore the prayers of one so innocent and pure of heart? I've given up praying for it. He isn't listening anymore, He just wants me to shut up.

I have learned this isn't a linear process. I don't feel a little better every day. Good days and bad days. Maybe tomorrow will be better.