Happy 2010. With new years come resolutions, promises not to make the same mistakes again, promises to "be different this time". I've always hated new years. They make me feel inadequate. I have never managed to keep resolutions to lose weight, be more organized, patient, etc, etc. Why should this year be any different?
I faced one serious demon this past weekend. I finally got up the courage to go through all the baby stuff we had been keeping in hopes of adopting again. All the little toys, puzzles, baby books, the highchair, the little clothes. It was awful. That time with Grace was so fleeting, so overwhelming that I barely remember it. I had so hoped to be able to do it better, to be a better Mom, to remember more of their childhood. We spent the whole day sorting it, some for yard sale, some for donation, bins full of books, some I remember so clearly buying. I saved the toys and clothes we bought in Ukraine for Grace. Each one has a beautiful memory. It stuck me so hard that there would be no more memories like that. Yes, there would be others but my chance to be a mother again was gone forever.
I look at other families in church. Those little babies with that baby smell and those curious eyes taking in everything around them. I feel so old. It was so fleeting. And staring down the barrel of my 46th birthday does not help. It is all so final.
How I wish we could have gone back to Ukraine. I wish I knew then what I know now. That we needed to get back in the race right away for another child or we would be stuck in a world of constantly changing rules. I spent too much time in "I wish" and not enough time enjoying the reality I have.
But this is getting old for me too. I need to change it. But how?
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