In Thanksgiving...

After the disaster of the last few weeks, I decided to posted about all the things I am thankful for. Most of these I take for granted daily but recently have had cause to think about them more closely.

My husband - I have many friends who are divorced or in unhappy marriages. I am extremely lucky to be married to the love of my life. We finish each other's sentences and are very compatible. After 11 years, he still makes me laugh and I would rather spend my time with him than anyone else.

My daughter - I have posted before on the difficulty in getting pregnant and subsequent adoption. While I may have missed out on the "traditional" way to build a family, I have never once regretted adopting. Grace is my love, my world, my heart. She is smart, funny and challenging. It still amazes me that God made my perfect family 15,000 miles away.

My sister - My sister and I were never very close growing up. We are polar opposites. She is 7 years older than I am. We have growth closer over the last several years and I am eternally grateful for her friendship, advice, support and her ability to make me laugh, hysterically.

My faith - I am extremely grateful to have a God who forgives my sins, loves me unconditionally and helps to make me a better person. I love being Catholic. I love all the aspects of it. Our church is wonderful, full of way to increase my faith. I would be lost without it.

My friends - I have an interestingly diverse group of friends. Some with deep Catholic faith, like mine, mostly from Church or from Grace's school, some from the neighborhood, and some from, well, forever. Each fills a place in my life that needs to be filled. They make me a better person.

Chocolate - 'nuf said.

Being a SAHM - In this economy, I am very lucky to be able to stay home for my family. While I lack many of the qualities of being a good "housewife", particularly a lack of affection for cleaning, I don't miss working and all the headaches that come with it.

Living in the USA - Despite my deep distain for our current President, I still believe in the freedom of speech, freedom of religion and the fact that the people still have a voice in this country. So many people in this world don't have those rights, so we should cherish them.

I wish everyone a very Happy Thanksgiving. Pray for our Armed Forces, and for each other. We all need it.

Perspective...

The last few weeks have been tough for us. My father in law, who suffers from Alzheimers, is slipping away. We think he might have had another mini-stroke, or perhaps this horrible disease is just accelerating. Previously, the conversations were sometimes silly or full of non-sequiters but he was there. He usually knew me and sometimes even called me by name. He lit up when Grace came to visit. She adores him. But the last few visits have been different. He sleeps a lot or is totally disengaged. My husband saw him today and he couldn't even feed himself. He "reads" the paper upside down and cannot answer questions. So tragic to see someone's entire life wiped away. I remember feeling outraged when my own father died that people dared to go back to their lives when someone so important had left me. It is so similar now except that person is sitting right in front of me, and can't even remember their own life. Their triumphs and tragedies, their great loves, sad times, the birth of their children and grandchildren. I can't think of anything more cruel. It is right there in front of you, so close you could touch it but just a distant unreachable memory.

My husband and mother in law are dealing well. My mother in law is very practical and I think feels the need to keep everything together and moving forward. She has a strong support system at her church and community. Gene and I try to do as much as we can but it inevitably falls short, especially on my end. Both her daughters are overseas at the moment. I'm sure it is
so difficult being so far away right now. Both are coming home soon and will likely be shocked at his deterioration over the last 3 months. Gene is trying to be the good son and succeeding, I think. He has a tremendous sense of loyalty. He is running himself ragged trying to do all the things he thinks he needs to. We are all exhausted.

Things with my husbands family have not always been the best for us over the years. But when I look back now, some of those things seem silly. I wish they hadn't happened. Time wasted can never be regained. My father in law will never see Grace grow up, won't remember his children or their families. Compared to that many things seem trivial.

In keeping with the stressful theme of the past couple of weeks, my beloved dog has cancer. He had a tumor removed from the top of his head a couple of days ago. The scar is awful, 4 inches long and greatly resembles something Dr. Frankenstein would do. Poor baby started to bother it and broke it open. So, back to the vet for the "cone of shame". He looks miserable. Probably feels miserable too. We have to wait another week for the biopsy results. So much loss, is it all really necessary?

I am praying for my friend, Suzanne, who is undergoing surgery tomorrow for a malignant growth on her spine. All looks good for a successful outcome. And a dear friend of the family is fighting off complications from heart surgery and collapsed lung. He is better but it is touch and go.

All these things are weighing on me. My temper has been short. A two by four hit me over the head tonight as I realized who the real victim was in all this stress and worry. Grace. She is not getting what she needs, attention, patience, love from me. I have been acting as though she is just one more thing I need to do, another task. I have too much on my plate and something has to give but it can't be her. Starting tomorrow, from the time she gets home from school until bedtime, no computer, no gift shop, only focus on her. She has been horrible to deal with. She is very sensitive. She senses stuff is going on because I am stressed, Daddy is stressed and she is getting attention any way she can.

It has to change. Right now, she is a gift I don't deserve but I will change that.

Now what...

I haven't written in the blog for awhile.

Life has been very frustrating these days. I remind myself every day how much I love my family. I love my daughter. But she challenges me to my toes every single day of my life. I love her more than anything. The greatest day of my life was the day the put her in my arms. But at times, I look at her and I don't like her. Is that horrible? It makes me feel like a horrible person, a horrible mother. Should she have gotten a better mother? Someone more patient. She could not find someone who loves her more but I just can't seem to help her.


After a particularly difficult couple of weeks, Grace and I went to a fundraiser at Chick Fil A for her school. She, of course, was wild in the play area where I had to intervene often on other children's behalf. Grace isn't mean or hateful, just passionate and enthusiastic, most times to her detriment. She is the queen of "seemed like a good idea at the time."

Anyway, about 5 or 6 of us Moms/Teachers were sitting and talking. Most know of my difficulties with Grace and are supportive. I expressed my sadness at my failures and embarrassment at a couple of recent events. It was amazing. All these women took turns telling me something they loved about Grace. Her enthusiasm, her curiosity, her fearlessness, her outgoing nature, her love for God and our faith. Her teacher truly loves these kids exactly the way God made them, issues and all. I cannot tell you how that made me feel. Relieved, proud, normal. I left there thinking we had made the right decision in send her to this school but also that I had support and she was loved. Grace is a character and she needs LOADS of guidance. I have no choice but to rise to the occasion.

So, I plan to spend the next few months blogging on the adventures of my amazing Grace, good, bad and ugly, hoping to be able to look back and laugh and to appreciate what a wonderful gift she is.

Someone reminded me this week that children are given to us to help sanctify us and we are to help sanctify them. What a daunting responsibility!

Facebook

I am relatively new to Facebook. As a 40-something, I have seen methods of communication develop since my childhood. I routinely text my husband with questions, or funny pictures through the day but I clearly remember, as a freshman in college, waiting anxiously for the mail and letters from friends. In my freshman year, I went to a very conservative Catholic college run by the Sisters of Mercy. If they heard you swear or use bad language or swear, you didn't get mail for a week! It was awful. It took me awhile to catch on. I can't imagine in these days of immediacy, that college kids today would ever have to worry about that. Do people even write letters anymore?

Which brings me to Facebook. A new way to connect with old friends, keep in touch and a whole new way of insulting people, hurting their feelings. I'm talking about "unfriending". So, when you "unfriend" someone, are you "unfriending" them in life too? This recently happened to me. I must say I was devastated. And, by my estimation, we are no longer friends in "real life". This friend went through a fairly tough divorce which I knew nothing about until 2 years later. We have kids the same age and have known each other for about 10 years. To make a long story short, we have always had a kidding, sibling kind of relationship, sarcastic banter, and joking around. When we re-connected on FB, I continued as we had always done, kidding them about various posts etc. Apparently, the joke was on me. This person changed the rules on me. And instead of sharing with me his new desire for "positivity", I was dumped. To make matters worse, this person remained in contact with my husband.

Are we really to the point where human contact is so unnecessary? Where we can end relationships via technology? How sad. I mourn the loss of this friendship but also the loss of a world where this would not have happened.

A new school year...

My baby has started first grade. She came home from school and said, "Mommy, thank you for letting me go to first grade." As if I could stop her. Wasn't it yesterday that I was rocking her to sleep in the rocking chair in our old house? I feel melancholy for those days. Just me and her, playing, taking walks, watching her in wonder as she figures things out. Why don't we realize how fast it goes at the time? As many parents, I wish time could freeze or at least slow down. I live in fear that something will happen to her and I will suddenly have wasted all this time.

We have had some challenges lately. She is so exhausted after school but just will not give in. Instead, the mood gets worse, the mouth and disrespect ramp up. Sometimes it makes me want to cry. I truly think it is her way of trying to maintain control when she is anxious or tired. She has to have the last word, on everything. Drives me crazy. I find I want to have the last word after her, just to prove I am the one in control. How childish. We just need routine and she is fighting it. She already lost outside time after school for her behavior during and after Mass yesterday. It is almost as though she feels disconnected with the attention is not on her so she causes a disruption to focus it back on her. Any attention is good attention.

Now she is wiser that I am. She is excited about the new year. LOVES the first grade teacher. As a matter of fact, her wonderful kindergarten teacher invited her to spend the day with her the day before school started fixing up her classroom. She had a wonderful time. It is those moments she just lights up, it touches me. It helps me to see her through other people's eyes. How her grandfather, who is suffering from Alzheimers, lights up when he sees her. We have never seen him have a bad day when she is there. She has a loving way about her, sometimes with everyone but me. She says hello to everyone in the nursing home, they just light up. I think they do not see many children. She loves equally, completely. I hope she never loses that.

She challenges me to my toes, every day. I usually fail the challenge. Perhaps this is why God gave her to me, to make me a better person. I love her more than anything.

A new purpose?

A friend told me yesterday of a woman she knows who desperately wanted to adopted another child after her son. It never happened. This woman, after a time, came to believe that God has a special purpose for only children. What is Grace's purpose? Still to be determined, I guess. Right now she makes us happy and that is enough. Yes, this is a different kind of upbringing than those with siblings, but I hope to God it isn't worse.

I was not an only child. Neither was my husband. I look back on my father's illness and subsequent death and the time a few years ago that my mother was seriously ill and realize what a huge consolation my sister was during those times. My brother , not so much but that is a story for a different blog. :-) As we face my father in law's Alzheimers and his other physical issues, Gene's sister and he are doing their best to support their mother. Again, his brother, not so much. Also, a story for another blog. Siblings can play such an important role in one's life. I always wanted Grace to have a sibling. Someone to be able to reminisce with, to share taking care of old parents with but that is not happening. I hope and pray that she will make other relationships that will fill that void. Knowing Grace, I don't think I am too worried about that.

Okay, that said, how do I change my perspective to make it better/easier for her? She is very strong-willed and while she regrets not having a sibling, she has developed a great imagination and love of pretend that she perhaps would not have. We three have a very tight bond. The downside is having to be playmate and parent, sometimes a difficult position.

I am able now, somewhat, to look ahead and see the monetary advantages to only having one child. And at 45 years old, there are certainly some physical advantages. I want Grace to grow up to be strong and self sufficient, and not the whiny, feeling sorry for yourself person that I have become of late. I don't want to feel this way. Anyone who knows me well can attest that it isn't really they way I am. What kind of example am I showing her? To crumble when you don't get what you want? I want her to be strong, to know she can do anything she sets her mind to. She asked me the other day if she could have the baby in her tummy since I couldn't. Wow. I almost fell over. In her mind, I think, it was a way to solve the problem. What I saw was a little girl trying to ease her mother's pain. Again, wow. For that alone I should shut and be grateful.

Truth be told, I am tired of feeling angry and sad. If this is the life I have, how do I change my goals and perspective to make it better? I can spend the next 20 years being resentful that I didn't get another child or I can appreciate what I have and move on.

Now to figure out how...

Interesting phenomenon...

I have noticed an interesting phenomenon. Humans are so uncomfortable with other people's pain, that they act like it doesn't exist. So, my question is, is it worse to ignore it and perhaps hope that the person in pain moves on? Or to acknowledge the pain and at least try to help or be sympathetic. Have we become a society so wrapped up in our own issues that we can no longer even see others for what they are or what they need?

I have a friend from high school whose brother just committed suicide. We were not close friends in high school but through modern technology (Facebook) we have reconnected. Her pain is terrible. I can only imagine what his 3 kids are going through. Anyway, in order to for someone to actually commit suicide, the pain must be so unbearable that death is preferrable. I have been there. I have felt that kind of pain. While I not currently suicidal, thank God, I also remember feeling really embarrassed by my pain. Why is asking for help so difficult? Why are we embarrassed by other people's pain? Is it that we feel helpless to change things? I would hate to think it is because we just don't care. But do we? Really?

It is curious that since I have been going through this very difficult time, it continually surprises me the people I hear from in support and the people I don't. I tend to think the people I don't hear from are either very uncomfortable with my pain or think I am being a whiny pain in the ass who just needs to shut up. Perhaps both.

I had a friend once who went through similar infertility issues that I did. She had fertility treatments which resulted in 2 beautiful children. I did not. Once her children were born she totally lost the ability to empathize with my struggle. She would talk on and on about her kids while completely missing that I was about to burst into tears. This was a VERY good friend. Are we THAT self-absorbed as a culture to just routinely dismiss others? I am sure I am guilty of obliviousness at times. Surely it isn't intentional. Is it? I need to do better, we all do...