Manners

How does one go about teaching their children manners? Of course, leading by example is always a good place to start. But how do you teach a child what is socially acceptable? My daughter is very sensitive. However, only my husband and I know that. Today, while at a friend's house, she broke a child's tea set that had been given to the mother when she was a child. It was obviously irreplaceable. My friend, who is always gracious, was quite kind about it but I saw that she was upset. Grace was full of excuses..."I didn't know", "It wasn't my fault". I was mortified. I asked Grace to apologize. I could see she was mortified but her classic response is one of defiance and indifference. What to do?

I am continually at a loss on how to handle my child's public, defiant, "the rules don't apply to me" behavior. As an only child, she considers herself an adult which causes no end of arguments and subsequent consequences. I so want her to just be a child. Pay no attention to what Daddy and I are talking about. Have no care for the affairs of the adult world. But that is not who my daughter is. She inserts herself where she does not belong, comments on things that are none of her business and is generally in everyone's business but her own. What to do?

So, how do I instill in her the love and compassion needed to be a valued member of society while still enabling her to be a child? I know she is sensitive. It comes out in other ways. The inablility to sleep well at night, the constant questioning about an incident or the utter refusal to talk about it as if the very thought of it would destroy her. But how do I teach her graciousness and respect?

Right now, I have no idea. There are so many things about this child I don't understand. God has presented me with the challenge of a lifetime. I fear I am failing at every turn.

My Little Talker...

I have a talker. She is no ordinary talker, she is an incessant, marathon talker. But it's not just to herself, it is a running commentary on my life. I just spent over an hour at Wegmans, shopping. Not feeling great, low blood sugar. So, I am having enough trouble remembering the list items on my list, which I forgot, but I cannot hear myself think due to the constant talking.

I really have not had a whole thought in over 6 years. I am constantly interrupted. Reading, on the phone, having a conversation with anyone. I ask nicely, I threaten, I ignore, then I erupt. Today resulted in loss of outside playtime on the first nice day since November. I have no quiet in my life. I only have ONE child. Not a houseful, just ONE! She cannot be disconnected for one minute. Everything that comes into her head, comes out of her mouth. Everything. Usually, when I am talking to someone, it is something rude. She has NO filter. We now have incentives in place for politeness.

Don't get me wrong. I have a smart, VERY smart little girl. She is engaging and funny and has no idea when enough is enough. Makes it a challenge when homeschooling. I have to ask her "Can I please be the teacher?"

At the end of the day, it is simply exhausting. Now I truly know why God didn't give us more children. I just don't have the stamina!

Homeschooling....really??

About a month ago, we pulled my daughter out of private school. First grade was a disaster. This very small, privately run, Catholic school reduced my daughter to an anxious, angry mess...all in first grade. She and the teacher were oil and water. And she was getting bullied, which is surprising knowing my tough-minded little girl. The end result was a school that had neither the desire nor the ability to handle a child who was outside the box.

The final straw was hearing the teacher scream, and I mean SCREAM at a child in the hallway and knowing in my heart that it was Grace. To see someone mistreat your child brings up such anger and emotion. By the middle of the next week we had a plan, and pulled her out. The next week I watched her "come down" from the experience. It was almost like Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I am so angry to think that someone damaged my little girl like that. I am also angry at myself for not seeing it sooner.

So, we decided to homeschool. Yikes! I never, EVER, thought I would do it. I always said NO WAY. I waited so long to have some sense of freedom and to be able to get myself back on track. This is proof that God has a sense of humor. The thought of putting her back into a classroom setting was unacceptable. A new class with a new teacher, new kids, new rules etc would be too hard for her. Public school wasn't an option for two reasons. We feel strongly that her education be rooted in our Catholic faith. And we didn't feel that a crowded classroom where she would be considered "special needs" would benefit her.

So, we are about a month into homeschooling. She loves it, me, not so much. I am having trouble managing my time, not being distracted and balancing all the other things. Most of my other responsibilities have fallen by the wayside, even those I enjoy. I need to find a way to balance my life.

Stay tuned, this will get interesting.

A new year...

Happy 2010. With new years come resolutions, promises not to make the same mistakes again, promises to "be different this time". I've always hated new years. They make me feel inadequate. I have never managed to keep resolutions to lose weight, be more organized, patient, etc, etc. Why should this year be any different?

I faced one serious demon this past weekend. I finally got up the courage to go through all the baby stuff we had been keeping in hopes of adopting again. All the little toys, puzzles, baby books, the highchair, the little clothes. It was awful. That time with Grace was so fleeting, so overwhelming that I barely remember it. I had so hoped to be able to do it better, to be a better Mom, to remember more of their childhood. We spent the whole day sorting it, some for yard sale, some for donation, bins full of books, some I remember so clearly buying. I saved the toys and clothes we bought in Ukraine for Grace. Each one has a beautiful memory. It stuck me so hard that there would be no more memories like that. Yes, there would be others but my chance to be a mother again was gone forever.

I look at other families in church. Those little babies with that baby smell and those curious eyes taking in everything around them. I feel so old. It was so fleeting. And staring down the barrel of my 46th birthday does not help. It is all so final.

How I wish we could have gone back to Ukraine. I wish I knew then what I know now. That we needed to get back in the race right away for another child or we would be stuck in a world of constantly changing rules. I spent too much time in "I wish" and not enough time enjoying the reality I have.

But this is getting old for me too. I need to change it. But how?

In Thanksgiving...

After the disaster of the last few weeks, I decided to posted about all the things I am thankful for. Most of these I take for granted daily but recently have had cause to think about them more closely.

My husband - I have many friends who are divorced or in unhappy marriages. I am extremely lucky to be married to the love of my life. We finish each other's sentences and are very compatible. After 11 years, he still makes me laugh and I would rather spend my time with him than anyone else.

My daughter - I have posted before on the difficulty in getting pregnant and subsequent adoption. While I may have missed out on the "traditional" way to build a family, I have never once regretted adopting. Grace is my love, my world, my heart. She is smart, funny and challenging. It still amazes me that God made my perfect family 15,000 miles away.

My sister - My sister and I were never very close growing up. We are polar opposites. She is 7 years older than I am. We have growth closer over the last several years and I am eternally grateful for her friendship, advice, support and her ability to make me laugh, hysterically.

My faith - I am extremely grateful to have a God who forgives my sins, loves me unconditionally and helps to make me a better person. I love being Catholic. I love all the aspects of it. Our church is wonderful, full of way to increase my faith. I would be lost without it.

My friends - I have an interestingly diverse group of friends. Some with deep Catholic faith, like mine, mostly from Church or from Grace's school, some from the neighborhood, and some from, well, forever. Each fills a place in my life that needs to be filled. They make me a better person.

Chocolate - 'nuf said.

Being a SAHM - In this economy, I am very lucky to be able to stay home for my family. While I lack many of the qualities of being a good "housewife", particularly a lack of affection for cleaning, I don't miss working and all the headaches that come with it.

Living in the USA - Despite my deep distain for our current President, I still believe in the freedom of speech, freedom of religion and the fact that the people still have a voice in this country. So many people in this world don't have those rights, so we should cherish them.

I wish everyone a very Happy Thanksgiving. Pray for our Armed Forces, and for each other. We all need it.

Perspective...

The last few weeks have been tough for us. My father in law, who suffers from Alzheimers, is slipping away. We think he might have had another mini-stroke, or perhaps this horrible disease is just accelerating. Previously, the conversations were sometimes silly or full of non-sequiters but he was there. He usually knew me and sometimes even called me by name. He lit up when Grace came to visit. She adores him. But the last few visits have been different. He sleeps a lot or is totally disengaged. My husband saw him today and he couldn't even feed himself. He "reads" the paper upside down and cannot answer questions. So tragic to see someone's entire life wiped away. I remember feeling outraged when my own father died that people dared to go back to their lives when someone so important had left me. It is so similar now except that person is sitting right in front of me, and can't even remember their own life. Their triumphs and tragedies, their great loves, sad times, the birth of their children and grandchildren. I can't think of anything more cruel. It is right there in front of you, so close you could touch it but just a distant unreachable memory.

My husband and mother in law are dealing well. My mother in law is very practical and I think feels the need to keep everything together and moving forward. She has a strong support system at her church and community. Gene and I try to do as much as we can but it inevitably falls short, especially on my end. Both her daughters are overseas at the moment. I'm sure it is
so difficult being so far away right now. Both are coming home soon and will likely be shocked at his deterioration over the last 3 months. Gene is trying to be the good son and succeeding, I think. He has a tremendous sense of loyalty. He is running himself ragged trying to do all the things he thinks he needs to. We are all exhausted.

Things with my husbands family have not always been the best for us over the years. But when I look back now, some of those things seem silly. I wish they hadn't happened. Time wasted can never be regained. My father in law will never see Grace grow up, won't remember his children or their families. Compared to that many things seem trivial.

In keeping with the stressful theme of the past couple of weeks, my beloved dog has cancer. He had a tumor removed from the top of his head a couple of days ago. The scar is awful, 4 inches long and greatly resembles something Dr. Frankenstein would do. Poor baby started to bother it and broke it open. So, back to the vet for the "cone of shame". He looks miserable. Probably feels miserable too. We have to wait another week for the biopsy results. So much loss, is it all really necessary?

I am praying for my friend, Suzanne, who is undergoing surgery tomorrow for a malignant growth on her spine. All looks good for a successful outcome. And a dear friend of the family is fighting off complications from heart surgery and collapsed lung. He is better but it is touch and go.

All these things are weighing on me. My temper has been short. A two by four hit me over the head tonight as I realized who the real victim was in all this stress and worry. Grace. She is not getting what she needs, attention, patience, love from me. I have been acting as though she is just one more thing I need to do, another task. I have too much on my plate and something has to give but it can't be her. Starting tomorrow, from the time she gets home from school until bedtime, no computer, no gift shop, only focus on her. She has been horrible to deal with. She is very sensitive. She senses stuff is going on because I am stressed, Daddy is stressed and she is getting attention any way she can.

It has to change. Right now, she is a gift I don't deserve but I will change that.

Now what...

I haven't written in the blog for awhile.

Life has been very frustrating these days. I remind myself every day how much I love my family. I love my daughter. But she challenges me to my toes every single day of my life. I love her more than anything. The greatest day of my life was the day the put her in my arms. But at times, I look at her and I don't like her. Is that horrible? It makes me feel like a horrible person, a horrible mother. Should she have gotten a better mother? Someone more patient. She could not find someone who loves her more but I just can't seem to help her.


After a particularly difficult couple of weeks, Grace and I went to a fundraiser at Chick Fil A for her school. She, of course, was wild in the play area where I had to intervene often on other children's behalf. Grace isn't mean or hateful, just passionate and enthusiastic, most times to her detriment. She is the queen of "seemed like a good idea at the time."

Anyway, about 5 or 6 of us Moms/Teachers were sitting and talking. Most know of my difficulties with Grace and are supportive. I expressed my sadness at my failures and embarrassment at a couple of recent events. It was amazing. All these women took turns telling me something they loved about Grace. Her enthusiasm, her curiosity, her fearlessness, her outgoing nature, her love for God and our faith. Her teacher truly loves these kids exactly the way God made them, issues and all. I cannot tell you how that made me feel. Relieved, proud, normal. I left there thinking we had made the right decision in send her to this school but also that I had support and she was loved. Grace is a character and she needs LOADS of guidance. I have no choice but to rise to the occasion.

So, I plan to spend the next few months blogging on the adventures of my amazing Grace, good, bad and ugly, hoping to be able to look back and laugh and to appreciate what a wonderful gift she is.

Someone reminded me this week that children are given to us to help sanctify us and we are to help sanctify them. What a daunting responsibility!